I dreamed I was shipwrecked on some utopia like island. It was unpolluted, untouched by man, it was nature itself before all things happened. I found an etheral like setting, folded and molded behind vines and bark and found a tree stump that was shaped like a throne. I sat there and I felt something on my back.. But I was too scared to turn around and without seeing it, in my dream, I knew - I knew it was a man there.
He asked me what my one wish was and I said, that I loved the world [silly I know] but in the sense of all the beauty that society can't see past. I'm no fluffy earth-tree hugger hippie, I just meant that I loved life, I loved living.
So why am I sitting here with so much regret?
Our neighbor came today and asked if we had a cat, she brought a collar with her and as it turns out - it was mine. I remember feeling that maybe, just maybe if I walked out there, she'd still be alive. I half hoped she would be and half hoped she wasn't, I didn't want her to suffer.
I never really cared for her -that- much, she was my mother's cat and sometimes she played with my kitty. She was mean spirited, spunky and had an attitude, but in the morning when I had to get up for school, she'd be sleeping in a cramped space with my mother in the cushions.
My stepdad hated her though, mostly because she didn't like him, vice versa.
So I picked her up and realized she was still warm, I half remember hearing my stepdad cussin at me saying it was filthy, but she wasn't roadkill. Just dead.. That's all. I felt like crying right then and there, I know I'm emotional anyways, but I didn't want to. I didn't feel like I deserved it enough to do so, she wasn't mine, it was like.. my mom's cat so, you know?
I felt like a monster.. I had to put her in the dumpster and began to wonder if I was just the type of person who 'threw' things away once they had no purpose, but I couldn't bury her. I'm not allowed too and my family isn't so rich that we can take her to a pet cementary. So I put her down gently and came back inside, washed my hands and went into my room. I was checking my email and then...
Then I just cried. I cried so much
and the pain in my chest was only the beginning. I haven't cried for a long time, the last time was when my patient had died, alone three years back. I keep saying "I'm so angry" but I don't know if its that. I feel so much, I'm so overwhelmed and on top of that, they ran her over. I'm sure the neighbor who brought us her collar was the one, but I wasn't going to point fingers and blame, I'm sure they felt bad enough.
I hate this.. I hate this so much.