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Apr. 29th, 2011


It's that time again.

So this post shall be relatively short.

It's late, I should have been in bed two hours ago & my cat is in heat. NOOOOO!

With that said, I thought I'd take a moment to say I'm not dead! XD Even though my disappearance has made it seem so. DX Unfortunately I can't admit that I haven't fallen off the bandwagon, but the whole.. 'do-or-die' diet has since then gone out the window. I am taking a much slower approach and with spring here I am really motivated to just do this at my own pace. Right or wrong.

Also, happy early birthday to remix! Even though it's April 30th, this Saturday, I'm posting it early because I'm a lazy bum who will forget her own appts! x.x

Love ya!

PS.. ~ I might start posting pictures soon to give this place a lively update.

Mar. 13th, 2011


F the Game.

I'm stuck in a rut & disappointed with myself, for allowing it to get this far.

No, I'm not here to bitch & moan my complacency to the world so that they could [struggle] to lift my unmotivated fat ass off the computer chair and into a gym. I really can't say I'm upset with my looks or image, I know I'm beautiful, [all of me.]

I just mean I'm totally fed up with doing this half-way and being a statistic - you know it. You hear about it. That cruel inner voice that just says you wasted three months that could have went towards hard work. So why do I do it? Why do I put myself back on that wagon, if I keep falling off? 

I feel like I just had to take a step back and ask myself, how did I let MY proritories get the best of -me? The Me, who is so in control, that she decided to wait until things hashed out before allowing someone else into her life. The me, who is taking three buses to and home from school and work to save for a car. The Me, who knows how to buckle down last minute and get that A on a midterm.

So why the Hell have I just, quietly accepted this? I know, many would disagree about 'weight' but I want to get past the whole, number thing for just a moment. Regardless of how I feel or look, I'm just a bit mad that I accepted that I'm too busy to care. Things are just too tough and I'm too hungry, tired or fatigue to make myself first.

Well I did that route and hell have I paid for it. I guess you could say I even gained 15 pounds with that whole Freshman college thing. Like I really needed that, being 260 then as it was. So I wake up with myself in the morning knowing, KNOWING that I have to log in. I know if I go silent it is without words, said that I've failed. I've slipped off the bandwagon of shame, gained weight and am back where I started.

But I won't. I'm here to face my pride, swallow my shame and deal with it. Why? Well because we -all- get there. And I know that this will just be a testimony to those who are in the same rut as I am.

I'm not going to let my life rule me or resume the actions I take and I really wont justify that things aren't going right. I've just put myself second best and I'm miserable for it. I hate how it shows on my face, those two second glances I get when I'm pouting because I. Can. Do. Better.

285 plus pounds is just unacceptable & I'm done doing games.

I logged an hour and half of exercise tonight with a 1700 calorie control intake. No more ****ing excuses.

Mar. 7th, 2011


(no subject)

So it's been a pretty rough week since my last post.

I've come to realize that maybe.. I don't have the best friends in IRL. Or well, I just don't have those I could talk to about this sort of thing. There were a few I've come to know through gaming and whatnot, but wanted to say that I'm over it. I've started a part-time job recently but realized I couldn't fulfill it for the hours, so I'm stuck for about two weeks in it now.

It's money though, which I'm hoping to use for my car in June. v.v I wish I could set up a fund-raiser [LOL] for myself sometimes, but I know I'll get through it.

I wanted to order my tickets for AX but opted not too, since the condition of my currently non-existing car is my biggest priority. I did however, finally get myself some Kinect + Dance Central and what people we're saying about it true, even the commericals! I've always just been a big FPS shooter fan, like Black Ops, Halo Reach and whatnot, so I was stoked to find they had revolutionalized a dance game.

DDR is fun, but you knooow? I just love the interaction with this and am hoping to start logging my weight loss. I sorta lost the purpose of this account for awhile because I didn't seem to realize just how incredibly busy I am.

And I think soon, I'll start posting pictures of the new StainLess Steel bento I bought myself.

: D No more shopping though, gotta saaave!

Thanks for the support ;-;

Feb. 26th, 2011


Dreams sometimes don't come true.

I dreamed I was shipwrecked on some utopia like island. It was unpolluted, untouched by man, it was nature itself before all things happened. I found an etheral like setting, folded and molded behind vines and bark and found a tree stump that was shaped like a throne. I sat there and I felt something on my back.. But I was too scared to turn around and without seeing it, in my dream, I knew - I knew it was a man there.

He asked me what my one wish was and I said, that I loved the world [silly I know] but in the sense of all the beauty that society can't see past. I'm no fluffy earth-tree hugger hippie, I just meant that I loved life, I loved living.

So why am I sitting here with so much regret?

Our neighbor came today and asked if we had a cat, she brought a collar with her and as it turns out - it was mine. I remember feeling that maybe, just maybe if I walked out there, she'd still be alive. I half hoped she would be and half hoped she wasn't, I didn't want her to suffer.

I never really cared for her -that- much, she was my mother's cat and sometimes she played with my kitty. She was mean spirited, spunky and had an attitude, but in the morning when I had to get up for school, she'd be sleeping in a cramped space with my mother in the cushions.

My stepdad hated her though, mostly because she didn't like him, vice versa.

So I picked her up and realized she was still warm, I half remember hearing my stepdad cussin at me saying it was filthy, but she wasn't roadkill. Just dead.. That's all. I felt like crying right then and there, I know I'm emotional anyways, but I didn't want to. I didn't feel like I deserved it enough to do so, she wasn't mine, it was like.. my mom's cat so, you know?

I felt like a monster.. I had to put her in the dumpster and began to wonder if I was just the type of person who 'threw' things away once they had no purpose, but I couldn't bury her. I'm not allowed too and my family isn't so rich that we can take her to a pet cementary. So I put her down gently and came back inside, washed my hands and went into my room. I was checking my email and then...

Then I just cried. I cried so much and the pain in my chest was only the beginning. I haven't cried for a long time, the last time was when my patient had died, alone three years back. I keep saying "I'm so angry" but I don't know if its that. I feel so much, I'm so overwhelmed and on top of that, they ran her over. I'm sure the neighbor who brought us her collar was the one, but I wasn't going to point fingers and blame, I'm sure they felt bad enough.

I hate this.. I hate this so much.

Feb. 1st, 2011


Small changes = Big Outcomes

So, it's the 1st! And I've managed to pick out all the classes I wanted to, with days to spare for myself. My schedule is going to rock for Spring and I'm a little stoked about having a part-time job to boot. Still I feel like I have conquered anything because I haven't reported record weight loss numbers.

And then it came to mind that well...

I didn't get here overnight and apparently the mistakes I make, are more than I figured for. I'm sloppy with my counting calorie and a bit lethargic to exercise. I even become accustom to just blocking out the fact that my appetite is zilch to healthy.. [Okay I mostly just wanted to say zilch.]

Still there are a lot of things that are fighting me, not having a car makes it hard to get into a gym. I really want one and can even afford it, but I'm saving.. Saving for a car and I need to write this down because it scares me that I'm putting my health on hold. I love my curves or well... Honestly, I use to love them. I loved them when I had some tone in my thighs and definition in my back with the potential of getting some muscle in my arm.

I feel like a flab of fat and while it sounds like I'm berating myself for pity/sympathy, it's just something I need to get off my chest. I'm not self-loathing my existence, so don't worry there, but what I mean is, I'm just sick of living like this. I feel like a broken record saying that tomorrow I'll start better than ever but...

I'm starting to realize that I need to address my mistakes and rather than beat myself in about it, count my failures as successes. Why? Because I know that whether I'm like everyone else or not, my success story isn't going to be about how well I worked out or how healthy I ate. I'm not quitting, I just know that I can't get there overnight and make snap decisions, when my lifestyle isn't really rooting for me.

I have a busy schedule and I'm so use to saying "tough" and shaking my head at it then beating myself when "reality" kicks in. It's a whole another thing applying what you say when your exhausted, not to mention financially its difficult to get healthy food but... I don't want to quit this and I don't want to look back and say "If I only done that."

I know I dont necessarily hate exercising.. I just know I'm sick of my broken dance pad. And that I probably won't be able to replace it until the middle of February [after they hold my first check, etc etc.] And aside from walking, I'm pretty darn exhausted, don't even get me started on a boring workout video.

So rather than crash and burn about the one pound I gained, I'm going to scrap my gameplan before and change it around until I MASTER this. I feel like such a loaf, but I know that trying to do everything perfect at the moment is near impossible, so this is just something I want to stick to no matter what. Something at a healthy level of moderate fatness, to get away from being 'morbidly obese.'

My BMR is 2118 and if I consumed 2500 calories, I'd maintain my current weight of 284. [ ;-; Sad sad.. Do I really eat that much?]

But I'm not, instead I'm setting a max cap of 1800 and rather than work myself to death, I'm simply just going to commit 30 minutes of exercise, daily. And I'm just going to stick this until I master it, if I do better on some days, great, if not, I have a cap. This is a good goal for me I feel and rather than try to race through this, I'm going to take my time and enjoy the ride.

<3 Thanks for all the support who still believe in me!

Jan. 25th, 2011


Birfday Mesh!

 I have about an hour left until my birthday is "officially" over. I must say though that I didn't quite expect my birthday to turn out all that grand, given the circumstances and my money, but you knooow what, it actually did turn out pretty nice. 

I won a few things through the lottery, a couple of shirts, had some cake and ice cream and pretty much counted the day bless when I landed a moonstone gem on Bejeweled. It isn't quite how people out in Cali celebrate their birthday, given that Las Vegas is the place to be, but for me it was adequate. :3 I find myself fortunate for the things I have and work hard for the things I don't. Not to mention having a busy schedule and school kind of makes it a little difficult to just leave the city. xD

Lol.. So with that all said, I'll say I'm about two days late for posting for Week 3. I haven't forgotten, in fact quite a few things happened in between Sunday and Monday, but I'll just roll with the basics.

I didn't make any progress, but well, I haven't gained weight either which is just a well good. I haven't had the energy to really 'commit' time to work out, but found that I have been walking a mile to class, given the extreme construction blocking the front entrance. Its an inconvienance but I use it to my advantage.

And I got to talking with a friend, let's say, who has opted in to work-out with me. So aside from livejournal, sparkpeople and well.. Any other 'online' site, I actually have a real person I can be accountable too. It has motivated me in volumes and we even went on a jog to the peer just yesterday.

Still, reporting in after you had birthday cake and bbq can be a bit of lie, but I logged in all my calories [as brutual as that was for me] and knew that by tomorrow I'd be back on schedule/track with my goals. Applying things from paper [say calorie restriction] to in the real, can be a little hard, but I've got the determination. And look forward for week 4, in hopes that I have some more 'positive' news.

At las I'm exhausted, so I'm heading to bed to feel fresh and easy in the mornin'!

Jan. 18th, 2011


Screw you week 2

Just a quick post before I dash out the door for class. About 5 minutes left really!

They say that week 2 is that time where if you lost big in week 1, you can just forget it. That seems to be the case with me, but ya know I went over a few things in my head. I'm still dedicated to this, I haven't lost any weight but I didn't gain any. This is the part of the week where so many things happen I usually just give up, lose sight and focus, but I want to take this far.

Yesterday I ate well and worked out, but I still haven't gotten down the habit of writing everything I eat. Which means? I'm not sure if I'm in my calorie range. Food around the house aint that great in the aspect that nothing is there until we get paid and grocery shop. 

So this is just a update, I haven't forgotten or gave up on this. I'm really wishing I had a stationary bicycle but well, you gotta make do with what you got!

And once again, thanks to those who support me C:

Jan. 9th, 2011


New Beginnings; Many Mistakes!

It's one week from the start of my plan to lose weight and become a more Beautiful & Healthy me.

This week has been a soul-searching one, learning new things about myself and dealing with some of my weakest points with of course, me. I've had some ups and downs and gradually became discouraged, lethargic and wiped to the point of exhaustion.

My calorie-count became incomplete and that in itself is inexcusable, but really it was part of what helped me understand why it is I get so distracted with weight loss.

I could sit here and write how I wish I had an elliptical in my room and gym membership or that the food situation in my house was well, normal, but it's not and it's because of this lifestyle that I've put on weight as a child till now. Making excuses and not seeing the situation for what it is.

I made poor choices and mistakes, but I'm not going to beat myself up with one fast food burrito and one store bought candy. [They were delicious, well the burrito wasn't but the chocolate was!"] Haha. Most people could kick themselve in the face and quit or 'start over' but I'm done with all that. This was to be a lifestyle change to get healthy right? And besides, it's not all bad news, I did loose weight. Quite a bit, actually and I'm more proud of that accomplishment than of my failures.

So for this week I was

SW 290 WL
CW 283
WL 7 pounds

Jan. 1st, 2011



1900 calories.

30 minutes of cardio.

 A little more than I had planned to eat, but I'm sastisfied. I realize not to expect perfection, but I'll work on getting there.

Today is New Years Day and things are quiet, beautiful, brand new and peaceful. ~


Dec. 1st, 2010


Morning Exercise Achieved!

So I got my mornin' exercise in today. And it felt great. Funny thing was, I never anticipated it!

About late last night I got in from a class and crashed. ~ I had been running on a couple hours of sleep and muuuch needed it. I went to bed around 9PM which I thought, was late enough, but managed to wake up at 3:30AM.. In the morning. e.e

So I showered, rebooted my computer and fought with the cables I got running around here. [ So much christmas lights, computer wires, game wires.. etc] and decided to hop on Xbox for some friendly Halo Reach. ;3 Ya I'm a fat gamer, so be it!

But theeen.. I saw an old friend on, one from my clan and chit-chated, long story short, we both worked out on netflix' little fitness workout for about 40 minutes. Which was terribly funny and painful, ooh, but it felt so invigorating to get a workout in.

So just a brief update; I had gained weight during the holiday. I was about 293.. e.e Fat, ya?

I'm back down to 286, just about 3 pounds away from my old starting weight. But ya know, we decided that we're gonna do these workouts in the morning and since I got my calories in ordeeeer, I'm looking forward to some nifty results of hard labor.

Happy Holidays ~ Mint.

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